Raising Resilient Children - Lyle J. Burrup

Raising Resilient Children - Lyle J. Burrup

The original definition of the word resilience had to do with a material’s ability to resume its shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed. Today we commonly use the word to describe our ability to bounce back from adversity.

We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is “an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11). Second, obtaining anything of great worth often requires great sacrifice.

As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.

As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control.

Perfectionism Undermines Resilience

One thing that hinders the development of resilience is a misunderstanding of the commandment to be perfect (see Matthew 5:48). This misunderstanding is the most common factor I’ve seen undermining resilience in new missionaries. They want to be perfect in everything because they love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and do not want to disappoint Them. But they do not understand that the Lord works through weak, simple servants (see D&C 1:19–23) and that striving to be perfect does not mean we never make mistakes but rather that we become fully developed or complete through the Atonement of Christ as we strive to follow Him.  

Here are some recommendations for how we might apply these principles in our homes:

• Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
• Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
• Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
• Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
• Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
• Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
• Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
• “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107). See Matthew 5:48, footnote b).
  
  
   These five principles may be helpful for your children:

1. Paying the price for privileges.
   I knew that freedom to play with my friends in the coming days depended on whether or not I came home on time.
2. The law of the harvest.
   If I wanted money, I had to deliver the newspapers for my route and collect the money each month.
3. Personal accountability and responsibility.
   I had to complete my own homework, science fair projects, and merit badges.
4. The law of restitution.
   I could make up for misbehavior by apologizing and repairing the wrong. My parents sometimes suggested that I complete extra chores, such as pulling weeds.
5. Learning from mistakes.
   If I made my bed poorly, did not wash the dishes properly, or did not pull weeds properly, I had to redo these tasks correctly.
   
   

   Instead of Doing This …	Do This …	And Get This Result …
   Set random or arbitrary rules and consequences.	Discuss rules and set logical consequences that are reasonable, related to the behavior, and respectful of both parent and child.	Children know what to expect and learn that choices have consequences.
   Allow children to avoid the consequences of their choices.	Allow children to experience natural and logical consequences of their choices.	Children learn accountability and responsibility for their choices.
   Give mostly correction.	Give mostly praise. Celebrate small steps in the right direction.	Children learn what parents want. They feel encouraged, worthwhile, and appreciated.
   Be arbitrary and inconsistent in requiring obedience.	Consistently offer desirable rewards for the actions and behaviors you would like to reinforce.	Children learn that they don’t have to want to do hard things; they just have to do them.
   Praise only outcomes.	Praise for effort regardless of outcome.	Children feel encouraged, confident, and more willing to take on challenges.
   Send the message to children that their self-worth depends on outcomes.	Tell children they have inherent worth because they are sons or daughters of God and have divine potential.	Self-worth will be attached to the child’s eternal potential instead of temporary success or failure.
   Talk about failures or successes as being connected to luck or talent.	Define failure as temporary and an opportunity to learn. Define success as a product of hard work and sacrifice.	Children are less discouraged by or afraid of setbacks and are more willing to be persistent.
   Try to solve children’s problems by giving them all the answers.	Help children (1) identify what happened, (2) analyze what contributed to the outcome, and (3) identify what they can do to avoid this problem next time.	Children develop perceptions of being capable, will address and solve their problems, and will see that they have control in their lives and can overcome challenges.
   Make children feel dumb by criticizing them, their effort, and their accomplishments.	Listen and be supportive and encouraging so your children will want to come to you again for help.	Children feel more comfortable discussing their mistakes and problems with you.