Raising Resilient Children - Lyle J. Burrup

Raising Resilient Children - Lyle J. Burrup

The original definition of the word resilience had to do with a material’s ability to resume its shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed. Today we commonly use the word to describe our ability to bounce back from adversity.

We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is “an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11). Second, obtaining anything of great worth often requires great sacrifice.

As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.

As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control.

Perfectionism Undermines Resilience

One thing that hinders the development of resilience is a misunderstanding of the commandment to be perfect (see Matthew 5:48). This misunderstanding is the most common factor I’ve seen undermining resilience in new missionaries. They want to be perfect in everything because they love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and do not want to disappoint Them. But they do not understand that the Lord works through weak, simple servants (see D&C 1:19–23) and that striving to be perfect does not mean we never make mistakes but rather that we become fully developed or complete through the Atonement of Christ as we strive to follow Him.  

Here are some recommendations for how we might apply these principles in our homes:

• Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
• Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
• Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
• Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
• Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
• Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
• Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
• “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107). See Matthew 5:48, footnote b).
  
  
   These five principles may be helpful for your children:

1. Paying the price for privileges.
   I knew that freedom to play with my friends in the coming days depended on whether or not I came home on time.
2. The law of the harvest.
   If I wanted money, I had to deliver the newspapers for my route and collect the money each month.
3. Personal accountability and responsibility.
   I had to complete my own homework, science fair projects, and merit badges.
4. The law of restitution.
   I could make up for misbehavior by apologizing and repairing the wrong. My parents sometimes suggested that I complete extra chores, such as pulling weeds.
5. Learning from mistakes.
   If I made my bed poorly, did not wash the dishes properly, or did not pull weeds properly, I had to redo these tasks correctly.
   
   

   Instead of Doing This …	Do This …	And Get This Result …
   Set random or arbitrary rules and consequences.	Discuss rules and set logical consequences that are reasonable, related to the behavior, and respectful of both parent and child.	Children know what to expect and learn that choices have consequences.
   Allow children to avoid the consequences of their choices.	Allow children to experience natural and logical consequences of their choices.	Children learn accountability and responsibility for their choices.
   Give mostly correction.	Give mostly praise. Celebrate small steps in the right direction.	Children learn what parents want. They feel encouraged, worthwhile, and appreciated.
   Be arbitrary and inconsistent in requiring obedience.	Consistently offer desirable rewards for the actions and behaviors you would like to reinforce.	Children learn that they don’t have to want to do hard things; they just have to do them.
   Praise only outcomes.	Praise for effort regardless of outcome.	Children feel encouraged, confident, and more willing to take on challenges.
   Send the message to children that their self-worth depends on outcomes.	Tell children they have inherent worth because they are sons or daughters of God and have divine potential.	Self-worth will be attached to the child’s eternal potential instead of temporary success or failure.
   Talk about failures or successes as being connected to luck or talent.	Define failure as temporary and an opportunity to learn. Define success as a product of hard work and sacrifice.	Children are less discouraged by or afraid of setbacks and are more willing to be persistent.
   Try to solve children’s problems by giving them all the answers.	Help children (1) identify what happened, (2) analyze what contributed to the outcome, and (3) identify what they can do to avoid this problem next time.	Children develop perceptions of being capable, will address and solve their problems, and will see that they have control in their lives and can overcome challenges.
   Make children feel dumb by criticizing them, their effort, and their accomplishments.	Listen and be supportive and encouraging so your children will want to come to you again for help.	Children feel more comfortable discussing their mistakes and problems with you.

   
   

Pillars of Truth - Gordon B. Hinckley

Pillars of Truth - Gordon B. Hinckley

God Lives, and the Door of Heaven Is Open. 

Of all the great and wonderful and inspiring promises I have read, the most reassuring to me are the words of the Savior: “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” (Matt. 7:7.)

I recall a story of a Latter-day Saint boy in military service. He was the only Latter-day Saint in his barracks, and he soon wearied of the jibes of his associates. One day when the going was particularly rough, he finally agreed to go into town with the crowd. But as they entered the town, there came before his mind’s eye a picture. He saw the kitchen of his home. It was supper time. There was his family, kneeling at the kitchen chairs—his father, mother, two sisters, and a small brother. The little brother was praying, and he was asking our Heavenly Father to look after his brother in the military.

That mental picture did it. The young man turned away from the crowd. The prayer of that little brother, of that family, brought clarity of mind and courage to that Latter-day Saint youth.

Brothers and sisters, as we go forward in our lives, let us never forget to pray. God lives. He is near. He is real. He is our Father. He is accessible to us. He is the author of eternal truth, the Master of the universe. The handle is ready, and the door can be opened to His abundance. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.” (James 1:5–6.) 

Life Is Forever. 

While here, we have learning to gain, work to do, service to give. We are here with a marvelous inheritance, a divine endowment. How different this world would be if every person realized that all of his actions have eternal consequences. How much more satisfying our years may be if in our accumulation of knowledge, in our relationships with others, in our business affairs, in our courtship and marriage, and in our family rearing, we recognize that we form each day the stuff of which eternity is made. Brothers and sisters, life is forever. Live each day as if you were going to live eternally, for you surely shall.

  

The Kingdom of God Is Here. 

 We are citizens in the greatest kingdom on earth—a kingdom not directed by the wisdom of men but led by the Lord Jesus Christ. Its presence is real. Its destiny is certain. This is the kingdom of which the prophet Daniel spoke—a stone, as it were, that should be cut out of the mountain without hands and roll forth and fill the earth. (See Dan. 2:34–35.)

The Family Is Divine.

Thankfully, the Lord has given to His children the opportunity to be sealed in eternal marriage, in “a new and an everlasting covenant,” a “blessing … instituted from before the foundation of the world.” (D&C 132:4, 5.)

Once you have gained this blessing, go forward with the assurance that death cannot break it—that only two forces in all the world can weaken and destroy that binding: sin and neglect.

  

Obedience Is Better Than Sacrifice. 

You may recognize the source of that statement. It comes from the Old Testament prophet Samuel’s counsel to Saul: “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.” (1 Sam. 15:22.) I am going to apply one aspect only of this great truth and will do so to the Lord’s counsel and promise in matters of health, the Word of Wisdom. (See D&C 89.)

The Lord Is Bound.

As I see the picture, three great desires govern the thinking of most people: (1) to love and be loved; (2) to have appreciative and good friends; (3) to succeed—to secure and enjoy a measure of prosperity.  Brothers and sisters, you will never be happy if you go through life thinking only of yourself. Get lost in the best cause in the world—the cause of the Lord. The work of the quorums, and of the auxiliary organizations, temple work, welfare service work, missionary work. You will bless your own life as you bless the lives of others.

He That Loseth His Life Shall Find It. (See Matt. 10:39.)

Brothers and sisters, you will never be happy if you go through life thinking only of yourself. Get lost in the best cause in the world—the cause of the Lord. The work of the quorums, and of the auxiliary organizations, temple work, welfare service work, missionary work. You will bless your own life as you bless the lives of others.

 

"Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds" - Neal A. Maxwell

Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds." - Neal A. Maxwell
 
The urgings for us not to weary in well-doing contain prescriptions to avoid such weariness. (See Gal. 6:9; 2 Thes. 3:13; Alma 37:34.)

The urgings for us not to weary in well-doing contain prescriptions to avoid such weariness. (See Gal. 6:9; 2 Thes. 3:13; Alma 37:34.)

• We are to work steadily, but realistically, and only expect to reap “in due season.” (Gal. 6:9.) 

• We are to serve while being “meek and lowly” (Alma 37:34), avoiding thereby the wearying burdens of self-pity and hypocrisy. 

• We are to pray always so that we will not faint, so that our performance will actually be for the welfare of our souls, which is so much more than just going through the motions. (See 2 Ne. 32:5, 9; D&C 75:11; D&C 88:126.)

For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” (Heb. 12:5–8.)

One’s life, therefore, cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. President Wilford Woodruff counseled us all about the mercy that is inherent in some adversity: “The chastisements we have had from time to time have been for our good, and are essential to learn wisdom, and carry us through a school of experience we never could have passed through without.” (In Journal of Discourses, 2:198.)

Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, “Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!”

 A reassuring promise is given us in this journey: “And any man that shall go and preach this gospel of the kingdom, and fail not to continue faithful in all things, shall not be weary in mind, neither darkened.” (D&C 84:80.)

For example, in process of time, our personal inconsistencies may be made inconveniently clear. How else shall we see what we lack? 

Brothers and sisters, how can we really feel forgiven until we first feel responsible? How can we learn from our own experiences unless these lessons are owned up to?

No part of walking by faith is more difficult than walking the road of repentance.

Trials, Tribulations, and Trust in the Lord - Bradley D. Foster

Trials, Tribulations, and Trust in the Lord - Bradley D. Foster

 Preslee was a bright and energetic 18-month-old. She had blond hair that usually had a mind of its own, piercing blue eyes, and a love of all things little girl—especially necklaces. Her turn on earth was short, but her impact was immeasurable.

On a warm night in July, little Preslee was with relatives while her parents, Pat and Ashley, went on a date. A few hours later, her parents received a phone call telling them that Preslee had fallen into a canal and that they needed to go straight to the hospital.

After falling into the canal, Preslee had floated about a mile and a half downstream, where she bumped into the leg of Jeff Call, a farmer who was working in the canal. He was about ready to leave but had decided he needed to put one last board in the ditch where he was irrigating. Jeff immediately began CPR, while his brother Mike called for medical help.

Many months before the accident, Preslee’s mother had created a blog on which she shared happy stories and photos as Preslee grew and experienced life. After the accident, the blog became a way for the family to update concerned family and friends on Preslee’s fight for life in the hospital.

Through social media, word of Preslee’s accident spread quickly, and within a few days, the blog had tallied more than 300,000 views. People were drawn to her story, offering prayers and kind words of support. With permission, I share Ashley’s update six days after the accident.

“Preslee has shown us today that perhaps there is a different plan for her than we [had] originally thought. Throughout the events of today and yesterday, Preslee’s condition has turned down a different path, and her little spirit is torn between two worlds. … From one day to the next, it’s as if her valiant little spirit is just staying … long enough for us to realize that this is not the end. Little Preslee has been a strong fighter, but we don’t know if she will be fighting much longer.”

The next day Preslee returned to her Heavenly Father. Ashley wrote, “We have … experienced a range of emotions from tragic horror to hope to complete humility and now to an assurance that God is the true giver and taker of life.”

Ashley had no idea that her blog, which has had nearly seven million page views, would continue to grow. An author of one of the many comments on her blog stated:

“[Preslee] has taught families to draw closer, love harder, look at each other a bit differently, and appreciate what they have. She has taught people that what they make big deals of in their lives may not be that big after all. Your family’s faith and perseverance [have] taught people to step back and reevaluate their own lives, and maybe live a bit differently, and with more purpose.”

  “When the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces,”⁵ the Savior’s power and assurance can still make it possible for us to experience joy and peace.

I testify that the Savior will abide with you in your darkest hour. He is there, and He has declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Trust in the Lord - Richard G. Scott

Trust in the Lord - Richard G. Scott

 Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

Keeping Life's Demands in Balance - M. Russell Ballard

Keeping Life's Demands in Balance - M. Russell Ballard

First, think about your life and set your priorities. Find some quiet time regularly to think deeply about where you are going and what you will need to do to get there. Jesus, our exemplar, often “withdrew himself into the wilderness, and prayed” (Luke 5:16). We need to do the same thing occasionally to rejuvenate ourselves spiritually as the Savior did. Write down the tasks you would like to accomplish each day. Keep foremost in mind the sacred covenants you have made with the Lord as you write down your daily schedules.

Second, set short-term goals that you can reach. Set goals that are well balanced—not too many nor too few, and not too high nor too low. Write down your attainable goals and work on them according to their importance. Pray for divine guidance in your goal setting. You recall that Alma said he would like to be an angel so he could “speak with the trump of God, … to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!” (Alma 29:1). He then said, “But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me. …  “Why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?” (Alma 29:3, 6).

Third, everyone faces financial challenges in life. Through wise budgeting, control your real needs and measure them carefully against your many wants in life. Far too many individuals and families have incurred too much debt. Be careful of the many attractive offers to borrow money. It is much easier to borrow money than it is to pay it back. There are no shortcuts to financial security. There are no get-rich-quick schemes that work. Perhaps none need the principle of balance in their lives more than those who are driven toward accumulating “things” in this world.  Do not trust your money to others without a thorough evaluation of any proposed investment. Our people have lost far too much money by trusting their assets to others. In my judgment, we never will have balance in our lives unless our finances are securely under control.

The prophet Jacob said to his people: “Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness” (2 Ne. 9:51).

Brothers and sisters, remember to always pay a full tithing.

 

Fourth, stay close to your spouse, children, relatives, and friends. They will help you keep a balance in your life. In a recent study by the Church, adults in the United States were asked to identify a time when they were very happy and to describe the experience. They were also asked to describe a time when they were very unhappy. For most people, one thing that had made them the most happy or the most sad was their personal relationships with others. Much less important were their personal health, employment, money, and other material things. Build relationships with your family and friends through open and honest communication.  A good marriage and good family relationships can be maintained through gentle, loving, thoughtful communication. Remember that often a glance, a wink, a nod, or a touch will say more than words. A sense of humor and good listening are also vital parts of good communication.

Fifth, study the scriptures. They offer one of the best sources we have to keep in touch with the Spirit of the Lord. One of the ways I have gained my sure knowledge that Jesus is the Christ is through my study of the scriptures. President Ezra Taft Benson has called upon members of the Church to make the study of the Book of Mormon a daily habit and a lifetime pursuit. The Apostle Paul’s advice to Timothy is good counsel for each of us. He wrote: “From a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.  “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness” (2 Tim. 3:15–16).

Sixth, many people, including me, have difficulty finding the time for sufficient rest, exercise, and relaxation. We must schedule time on our daily calendars for these activities if we are to enjoy a healthy and balanced life. Good physical appearance enhances our dignity and self-respect.

Seventh, the prophets have taught repeatedly that families should teach one another the gospel, preferably in a weekly family home evening. This family practice, if we are not very careful, can slowly drift away from us. We must not lose this special opportunity to “teach one another the doctrine of the kingdom” (D&C 88:77), which will lead families to eternal life.

Satan is always working to destroy our testimonies, but he will not have the power to tempt or disturb us beyond our strength to resist when we are studying the gospel and living its commandments.

My last suggestion is to pray often as individuals and as families. Parents need to exercise the discipline required to lead out and motivate children to join together for regular family prayers. Our youth can know the right decisions to make each day through constant, sincere prayer.

To Help a Loved One in Need - Richard G. Scott

To Help a Loved One in Need  - Richard G. Scott
 
 First, you must recognize two foundation principles:

1. While there are many things you can do to help a loved one in need, there are some things that must be done by the Lord.
   
   
2. Also, no enduring improvement can occur without righteous exercise of agency. Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that. Forced obedience yields no blessings (see D&C 58:26–33).
   
    First—Love without limitations. When in a dream Lehi partook of the fruit of the tree of life and was filled with joy, his first thought was to share it with each member of his family, including the disobedient (see 1 Ne. 8:3–4, 12–13).
   
   
    Second—Do not condone the transgressions, but extend every hope and support to the transgressor. To his missionary son Corianton, who had violated the law of chastity, Alma said, “Behold, O my son, how great iniquity ye brought upon the Zoramites; for when they saw your conduct, they would not believe in my words” (Alma 39:11). Then he clarified in careful detail principles which his son had improperly used to justify his acts. Subsequently, that loving father gave this counsel:
   “O, my son, I desire that ye should deny the justice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, … but do you let the justice of God, and his mercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in humility. …
   “And now, my son, go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness” (Alma 42:30–31). Corianton repented and became a powerful servant.
   
   
   Third—Teach truth. Nephi taught his brothers: “Whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction” (1 Ne. 15:24).
   Then he gave this example of how to teach: “I did exhort them with all the energies of my soul, and with all the faculty which I possessed, that they would give heed to the word of God and remember to keep his commandments always in all things” (1 Ne. 15:25).
   
   
   Fourth—Honestly forgive as often as is required. The Lord declared: “If he … repenteth in the sincerity of his heart, him shall ye forgive, and I will forgive him also. …
   “And as often as my people repent will I forgive them” (Mosiah 26:29–30).
   
   
   Fifth—Pray trustingly. “The … fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16).
   The Master taught: “Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you” (3 Ne. 18:20). “Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing” (D&C 19:38).
   
   
   Sixth—Keep perspective. When you have done all that you can reasonably do, rest the burden in the hands of the Lord.
   When I take a small pebble and place it directly in front of my eye, it takes on the appearance of a mighty boulder. It is all I can see. It becomes all-consuming—like the problems of a loved one that affect our lives every waking moment. When the things you realistically can do to help are done, leave the matter in the hands of the Lord and worry no more. Do not feel guilty because you cannot do more. Do not waste your energy on useless worry. The Lord will take the pebble that fills your vision and cast it down among the challenges you will face in your eternal progress. It will then be seen in perspective. In time, you will feel impressions and know how to give further help. You will find more peace and happiness, will not neglect others that need you, and will be able to give greater help because of that eternal perspective.